Saturday, September 4, 2010

Gone too soon……

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“Darren Montgomery, 23, of Bozeman passed away unexpectedly on Saturday, August 28, 2010………………

……While there, he met the love of his life, Taelor Bishop. They complimented each other in every way……”---from his obituary

That is where I have been. My oldest daughter’s boyfriend, that she had been living with for the past 3 years--has died. It has only been one week and it feels like a life time. She called us Saturday morning and we left immediately and stayed till the funeral on Wednesday.

I belong to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I believe in Jesus Christ, although I am deeply ashamed to admit  that I do not always behave as though I do. In all, brutal honesty, I have struggled to understand and accept my firstborn’s life choices and the young man that came with them. My arms and words have not always been open and welcoming-- and at this time that brings me a bitter mix of grief and guilt. Don't get me wrong, I still do not approve of their life choices and my house is still rated PG and LDS. But given a second chance-- I would find a way to keep my standards and honor the love that they shared and love the young man—not his choices.

Thankfully, I also believe that death is not the end and that he has just moved on to the next step in our journey. Darren was a very kind soul. Never once, while in my presence, (despite my sometimes less than stellar behavior) did he ever say an unkind word or do a mean thing. So I am hoping that wherever he is---that he knows my weaknesses and judgments for what they were--- and can forgive me.

I am in the process of putting together/editing a slideshow/movie of his life for his family and then I am moving on and have some HAPPY/OTHER stuff to share but I needed to write this out and give my thoughts some kind of order and shape.

I have been looking high and low and I cannot find a manual for this particular situation. If you took it—give it back…I mean it…now already!!!

If there is none---write it already people!

16 comments:

Sue said...

Personally, I think this humble, open, and loving post IS the manual.

Hugs to you.

=)
Sue

Jess said...

So sorry for your daughter's loss. I'm sure that she'll remember everything you taught her about life and death- and she'll thank you for it.

DeNae said...

Lisa this just breaks my heart. My son is 23; too close to home for me. I really am sending prayers up in behalf of your grieving daughter, her love's family, and all of you.

Cynthia said...

I am so sorry! I don't know what to say. Lots of pain all around and he was certainly too young to pass away. Hang in there and keep on trying to comfort your daughter though her loss.

Pedaling said...

nope, no manual.
every one is different...we all react differently to situations that are hard and choices that are, quite bluntly, wrong.
sometimes it's hard to balance the love with our standards.....
i know i'm still trying to figure it all out myself.
but, i am learning....oh, so sloooowly
from people like yourself.

great post.

karen said...

I think you've got a good handle on it. We're human and works in progress. I'm sure your daughter's young man would never hold your human shortcomings against you, and neither will your daughter. I hate learning experiences, but we're strengthened and tempered by them. My sympathy to all of you in a sad and difficult time. Remember, learn, and keep trudging along. That's my manual.

Cheeseboy said...

My heartfelt condolences. I don't think there is a manual for a situation like this. My best wishes to you and your daughter.

Mikki said...

I'm so sorry Lisa, especially for your daughter and her loss. You are there for her and that is so very important. She will remember that fact, and I too am sure after hearing just this little bit about the young man, that he has already forgiven you. Sending prayers your way and hers. Hugs.

tammy said...

I thought you were writing the manual. Crap, now what am I gonna do?

All joking aside, I am so sorry. And being one who made a few wrong lifestyle choices growing up, I know that your daughter will appreciate your love and support right now. It's hard to accept when others you love aren't making the best choices. I deal with it all the time with my in-laws. Trying not to judge them yet stand up for my beliefs. Sometimes it's hard. I'm far from perfect on that.

Nana said...

Manual? Yeah, right. We write the manual as we go along. Most the time with much editing! I'm sorry for what your family is going through. We can't always agree as parents and grown children but, we can always show that we love them. I think that is exactly what you are doing.

Garden of Egan said...

My heart is with you right now. I'm slow in reading your blog, but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Taelor as well. This must be so difficult.

HUGS

LKP said...

woman, my heart aches for taelor & her grief. yours as well. i get what your thoughts are in this matter. and i'm thinking we can't hold a grudge once we're on the other side. seriously. once we're done here we remember everything from before, and the disappointments & grudges of our earthly experiences are mute points. totally forgotten. in his own way he's probably grateful. know that you're loved.
::hugs::

Pancake said...

I am sorry for your loss, for your sweet daughters loss, for his families loss, and all that loved him. The suddenness of death, there just arent words that comfort. Thankfully, the gospel does offer comfort as does the spirit, may all that mourn his loss, FEEL that comfort in their own way

Annette Lyon said...

Absolutely heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

Da Bergs said...

Oh, I am so sorry. It is SO hard sometimes... being LDS and loving our children oh so much... and not always approving of their choices and yet always loveing them! I would know... and no, I do NOT know how to do it... again, so sorry! What a sweet mom you are... what a sweet post... luckily we know this life is NOT the end!!! :)

imbeingheldhostage said...

Oh Lisa, I am so sorry. You have really been given a handful lately! My sincerest condolences to Taelor :-(
Your post really shouted to me-- that love and acceptance thing. It's a hard balance to declare your standards while accepting others. Thank you for posting this, I am tucking it into my heart so that I can learn from it.