Monday, March 22, 2010

Open Letter





Open Letter to the woman in the bathroom stall next to mine at "The Big Box Store":


I realize that there are certain sounds that one should expect when using the bathroom at a public venue.


Every body poops--I get it.


Here's the deal:::::::

Although I have been amused--- all the way to--

- "Seriously, you need to see a doctor about that" ---

with the sound effects in the stall next to me, there is one group of sounds that I wish to address here.


The sigh, the whistle, the grunt, the hum-- and the ahhhh.


People.


Please.

I understand that sometimes, during the process of weighing which is worse, peeing your pants or dying of some heaven knows what that lingers on the toilet seat, we wait till almost too late to avail ourselves of the facilities.

It happens.

What I need NOT to happen is for you to emit ANY kind of sound FROM YOUR MOUTH, while relieving yourself.



{{{{{ANY sound. Zip. NADA. NO. NONE.}}}}}}



I DO NOT need to sit there, feeling violated to my very core, eyes wide, unable to finish my own "business", as I wonder just what might be taking place on the other side of that stall wall.

Unable to remember how to zip my own pants so I can flee the "STAll OF TERRORS" I had entered so innocently only moments before.

Scarred by the very thought that I might come face to face with what or who was behind DOOR #2.


PLEASE. STOP. THE. MADNESS.

I beg you.

That is all.

Signed, The Potty Police


27 comments:

tammy said...

I am so with you on this one!! The one thing you can control is what comes out of your mouth. Control people!!

tammy said...

And I love that you blogged this.

Sue said...

GREAT to see you.

And I think your potty police are right on!

=)

Cherie said...

Oh my I cannot think of anything more horrifying! Well actually I can as once I was in a stall and on the other side there was no noise but the smell was overpowering (probably tmi) but I love that you blogged about something that we all flee from!!

Cherie said...

P.S. Do you watch the show "House". There was an episode where a kid was in the men's bathroom making horrible sounds and when he came out House said, "Have you ever heard of hemorroids? Take it easy in there!". Ha Ha

Garden of Egan said...

I don't do the public restroom thing. I don't wanna know. I don't wanna hear. I don't wanna smell.
Ick!

DeNae said...

Do you wonder how they manage at home??

Cynthia said...

Good to see you posting- and on such an important topic too! LOL! You always make me smile. Keep posting!

Cheeseboy said...

Wait... women do this too?!

Mikki said...

LOL!!!!!
Thank you!
The other one I think is kind of nuts? People using their cell phones while using the public restrooms! DO they really think the person they're calling wants to hear them, or me going pee?

imbeingheldhostage said...

THIS is what I mean when I say that I'd like to live my life just trying to get reactions from people. Can you imagine being the one making all of those sounds, secretly giggling to yourself while thinking about the woman next to you totally freaking out? Evil, I know.

Nana said...

SO YOU ARE ALIVE!

Yesterday while in the ladies room the person next to me bagan talking. It took me a few minutes to realize she was on her phone. Which is so YUCKY on so many levels. Sitting on the toilet talking on the phone?

I realize I have public bathroom issues that are bizarre. I am a germ freak where they are concerned. I roll up my pants so they won't touch the floor, flush w/ foot, don't turn off the water unless I have a paper towel in my hand so I won't have to re touch the dirty faucet handle etc. That's normal right?

I never do any of the other thing you are talking about because I am also holding my breath.

Karen Sue said...

I traveled through Russia for an adoption..WOW you appreciate the 'privacy' of our public bathrooms. But I prefer what happens in my bathroom to be private...Don't know what others are doing and don't WANT to know

Jess said...

I couldn't agree more. We have a family rule- no talking in the bathroom (in public bathrooms) it also applies to any other noises. It was instituted when the daddy man had to take the girl to the men's bathroom for the first time.

kado! said...

oh man, thanks for the laugh!

and I totally agree! No sound effects PLEASE!

Annette Lyon said...

*snort!*

珮瑜 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Taylor said...

Do I miss you? Yes, Yes, and Yes.

LKP said...

you have to know that tears are streaming down my face & i'm desperately crossing my legs in an attempt to not pee my pants while i type this!
you say it sista!!! =D

DesertHen said...

Now that's funny stuff!!! LOL!!

Blog Buddy said...

Hahahaha! I almost peed my pants laughing at this post:) Priceless and to the point!

Pedaling said...

I HATE using public bathrooms-
add this to one of the reasons why....

Lindzena said...

Ha!! Ok this made me laugh. It is so true... I'd almost rather be admitted to the hospital for stressed kidneys than use public restrooms sometimes. Keep this up! I am your latest follower, so I'll be back! :)

...Laura... said...

LOLOLOL.... This is too funny! I love that you blogged about it!

Marivic said...

hahahaha! Oh, Lisa-- you are such a trip! I'm so glad I dropped by today. Thanks for the laugh! :-D

MiMi said...

Oh man. OH MAN. I have sat next to the weird noise lady before in public bathrooms.
I can't stop laughing. Really. I laugh so hard, I could make a funny sound of my own!

Kelley said...

This so made me laugh! I actually posted something about public bathrooms not too long ago on my blog. I also linked an article from a magazine I read about a little 3 y/o who was giving a play-by-play very loudly about his mother's activities in the stall. It made me laugh so hard I was crying! Anyway, I enjoy your blog! Glad I found it. :)